Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Fall..

The air was cold.. wet.. it grazed through my hair like fish in water.. i could see the cookie color rocks staring at me.. waiting to ponce on me.. i was falling.. to my death..

They say your whole life flashes before your eyes before you die.. Nope.. they were wrong.. The only thing on my mind is hate.. for what was done to me.. for what i had done to myself.. for what i let myself become.. but there is nothing else i can do about it now.. i have accepted defeat.. she won..

For all you people who want die.. one advice.. never jump off a cliff to die.. its scenic, the view, i know but the wait for death to happen is awful.. time does slow down terribly.. but you still can't save yourself after the plunge.. the other awful way to die is drowning.. but then what kind of suicide is not awful? Of course I didn't really choose my death.. I am not killing myself.. I am too sane to do that.. I am being murdered.. by the very person i trusted.. I should have seen it coming..

Damn! its taking too long.. well the least i could do is enjoy the sceanary. The sun was drowning in the sea.. There was a golden glow to the rocks below.. who am i kidding? i'm not such a big fan of the sunset.. She was.. In fact that was the first thing i told her when we first met.. she smiled as if she thought it was really funny..

Now that i am thinking of it all of our happy moments happened under the drowning sun. I still remember the only time i thought sunset was actually romantic.. that day she brushed her hair off her face and hid it behind her ear.. she had this gleaming smile like the sun in the sky itself when she told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.. it was beautiful..

None of this would be happening if i hadn't found my best friend from my previous life that same day.. I invited her to my wedding just like she had invited her friends from college.. i should have known.. i should have seen my wife was not entirely happy on what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives..

It had been just 5 months.. our marriage.. by that time she had found out.. my best friend from college days used to be much more than that to me.. I sure was totally over her but the love had blinded her.. she was visibly hurt.. every time we fought i was saddened by the whole fiasco but i sure was proud to have someone who cared.. she cared.. not the way i had hoped for but still..

I hadn't met her since my wedding.. I didn't even ask her for a contact number.. but there was something in her eyes that day we met.. she was the one who broke up with me in final year.. i just played along.. i meant there is very little you can do when someone you love begs you to leave them alone.. right?.. i think she regretted it..

Me and my wife were separated for 2 weeks now.. when she had called me to meet i thought the dust has finally settled.. i didn't know she would be calling me to push me down this cliff.. we talked about a lot of stuff.. she told me "I know first love is hard to forget, its the toughest thing anyone could do. but this is more tough for me, this life with you " .. can't really turn that around.. i tried to tell her i hadn't met her after the wedding.. She didn't seem disgusted by her name.. I think it was me who she was disgusted about.. She wasn't even angry.. she was sad..

I walked to the edge myself.. i couldn't bear the pain i was causing her.. if i had stayed on the edge for more than a few more minutes i would have jumped off myself.. there wan't much of talking going on for several minutes then.. i just stood there looking away at the drowning sun.. ironic.. i thought.. and then from no where came the shove.. i was thrown off a good two feet from the edge into the air.. and then the fall..

How could she do it? I loved her so much.. I knew she loved me too.. a lot.. i could feel that love even today.. just before i was thrown into death.. atleast it ends now.. all her pain.. all her doubt.. with my death..

The fall was coming to an end.. life didn't really flash in front of my eyes.. but all that I have loved my whole life did.. she was the best thing that had happened to me ever in my life.. that thought brought a smile on my face..

I crashed hard on one of the rocks.. couldn't feel a thing.. there was blood flowing into my eyes ..diluted my tears.. the golden glow around me went all red suddenly.. "..till death do us part" that was the promise i had made.. it ends here..

I can hear the chariots of heaven roaring down to take me home.. No.. thats a scream.. i tried to turn my head up.. damn.. i think i broke something.. couldn't move.. something fell a few feet away from me.. throwing up a curtain of blood into the breaking sea waves.. a chill ran down my already shattered spine.. No.. it can't be.. It was that guy from her college.. her friend.. she was not upset about my college love showing up.. she was scared of him.. it was not my past that killed me.. it was her past.. him.. and she killed him for that..

She was trying to save our marriage the whole time by making herself look bad.. she never said she hated me.. she wanted me to get away from her.. because she knew this was going to happen.. so.. this is how my story ends.. but what about her.. dead husband.. dead boyfriend.. oh no!.. i couldn't really finish processing that last thought i had.. i heard another splash not far from me..i couldn't turn to see who it was.. i didn't have to.. i know.. far away the sun had set.. on this day and on my life.. forever..

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Days Of Our Lives

Life has been over 23 years long for me..its too early to be talking of it yet but every now and then i have moments in my life where i find myself sitting back alone, wondering about the purpose of my life.. why exactly am i alive?and when i complete my role in this world wat so ever it is then i'll have to leave this the whole of my life i live out trying to fullfil a purpose that i don't know about and when i " accidently"fulfil my destiny..i'm screwed..i mean its like living for someone else your entire life and not realising that all i'm doing is nailing my own coffin..and wat if i die today? will that mean i fulfilled my destiny or jus that my life did not have a destiny?..when i get this confused i shake myself up from wat i was thinking and get on to wat ever strikes my mind next..but in the back of my mind i always belive that a destiny awaits, something worthy enough to live for atleast another day..
Thinking about the 23 years that i've walked this planet i don remember doing anything good enough to earn a ticket to heaven (or hell) good exactly can heaven or bad,hell be?..heaven can't be any better than a sunday evening in my room nor can hell be any worse than a monday afternoon in class, may be thats what life is all about..experiencing heaven and hell ,here on earth..playing the devil or angel in someone elses life but feeling helpless to deal with the simplest of problems we encounter in our own lives..may be thats why we need angels and deamons in our make us realise that no matter how much we play god we are not god..
Every day that we act devil or angel to someone else are the days that we fulfill a part of our destiny.. every day that we get to play god are the days we actually live..those, my friend,are the days of our lives..

The One With The Definition Of Love

I once overheard a story abt a soilder.The story goes like this

" A long time ago there lived a soilder who served in the army of a mighty king. The king had a very beautiful daughter.One day the soilder happened to see the princess and he fell in love wit her . he felt like heaven had fallen down on him..for days he kept thinking of her..when he thought he'd go mad wit her love he decided to tell the princess abt his feelings for her.. the next day he walked up to her and told her abt his feelings..the princess was not moved, she asked "who are you? are you the prince of some far away kingdom?"..
" no" replied the soilder" i'm a soilder in your fathers army"..
curious she asked " well then are you the bravest soilder in my fathers army?"
" no" replied the soilder "i may not be a prince nor the bravest soilder in the army,but i know one thing for sure no one in this whole world loves you as much as i do"
Princess was certainly not amused she said " i don't think so"..then the soilder said "i'll prove it to you. for the next 100 days i'll stand in the palace courtyard facing your window. i won't eat or sleep unless you come down and tell me that you belive in my love"
The next day onwards the soilder stood at the palace courtyard..he stood there facing the palace, during the burning hours of the day,and the freezing nights ..every morning the princess would come to her window and look at the soilder standing there.. everyday he'd watch her come to the window and gather up the strength to wait for another day to see her again..
Days passed the soilder grew weak he could barely stand but he didn't move..every morning he'd wait for the princess to come down..but she didn't come..
On the morning of the 100th day the princess opened the window..but didn't find the soilder there.. she ran to the courtyard and looked all around but didn't find the soilder..jus then a servent came upto her and told that the soilder had left the previous night..and was never heard off in the kingdom ever again..
"Now how stupid a story was that?" i wondered.. so i went to the soilder myself and asked him why he left on the 99th day after waithing for this long..he could hav waited for one more day..
He replied" if i had waited for one more day and she hadn't showed up then i'd hav to live out my life thinking of her as a stone hearted girl"
"Then why wait for the 99th day? you shud hav left the day when you started to think she'd never come down" i said.."if i had done so" he replied "she'd think of me as a fake and my love as impure..i didn't want her to doubt the purity of my love for her"

love is not about helping each other out of tough situation..its about sacrificing your happy moments to save your loved ones from never having to face a sad moment..its about protecting them not jus from others but also yourself..its about putting your loved ones first rather than putting your love for them first..some decisions in our life mean nothing..but when they mean a great lot to some one you care about,thats all the excuse you need to make that love someone is a responssiblity to keep them happy and is all about sacrifices ..sacrifices that only you know..sacrifices that have left you to doubt in your love for is about making those tough decisions for the people you love..they might never understand your intentions or feelings when you take those tough decisions for them..but then and there your love for them is honoured might go unnoticed sometimes but deep in your heart you'll know it yourself how much you loved someone..thats all that matters..ever

Saturday, September 18, 2010

The Midnight Murders

How often do you find yourself in doubt? about the world around you.. about everything you wanted around you.. everything you've done to get here.. if never then its time you take a break.. stop your steps and turn around.. the dark alleys.. the podiums.. the fresh white carpets you have walked on to reach and remember on your way here the dreams you have stabbed slaughtered and buried to get here.. that blood in you finger nails about the dream of being a jazz player.. that knife in your pocket dripping the blood of all that talk about being a space cowboy.. we are murderers.. all of us.. Murderers of our own dreams.. Dreams that were born out of beautiful memories.. Memories of a beautiful girl who smiled at you when you sang "you look wonderful tonight".. a pat on your back when you finished your first painting.. dreams we watered with our hopes.. Dreams that were our and ours alone..
For every murder it requires a motive.. Money.. power.. a roof on top of your head under which you are the King.. sometimes a girl.. greed.. jealousy.. i dunno may be a thousand more of them.. Some of them bare realities.. staring at your face from a distance.. blank eyed like the barrels of a loaded gun ready to pop you down any moment.. silent.. watching.. lurking reality.. and some? pure fantasy.. the fancy of thinking someone else's dreams look smarter happier, greener than yours.. whatever it be.. we always find a motive for even our dearest of dreams to turn prey.
The first one.. YOU.. You kill more of your dreams than anyone else in your life.. you grow smarter.. you understand that photography won't buy you your BMW.. or painting won't get your bills paid on time.. yet we all know of photographers who ride in BMW's and painters who do more than jus pay there bills.. But we never want to be them.. sure we want to ride BMW's and do photo shoots.. but we don wanna get there walking.. No.. you are not the only people who kill your dreams.. We all have those distant relatives who think the emerging nations will soon have a demand for Neuro surgeons and that at some far of land you earn 50 times as much money by doing half the work you do here.. they all think they know whats better for you.. In fact give life 40-50 years and you'll get there yourself.. Once a murderer always a murderer..
What case? no one complains.. no bodies found.. no murders on paper.. all that is left is that dry itchy feeling in the pit of your stomach you try to dilute with antacid when you see a good painting.. someone playing on stage with a million people shouting his name.. that could have been you.. that was once your dream..
This is your now.. living life a day at a time.. 9 hour shift on the clock.. white shirt and a tie.. giving nothing but rats ass about what you do at work.. trying to live a life that was not yours to begin with.. yet your walk the same road everyday.. not once taking right you want to.. or a stop when you need to..
All those nights you spent listening to your favorite songs thinking of your favorite girl and your perfect life.. now you spend planning and plotting on how to make more on overtime.. how to earn a suit to go with your shirt and tie.. And with all that confusion going on in your head if you still happen to stumble on an old rusty guitar lying under a pile of text books from your college, do yourself a favor.. dust it up.. fix its strings and strum it.. jus one more time.. and you will see how brutal was that night.. the night you killed your dreams..

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Armour of God

I was born on the 16th of January 1987.. i guess i didn't expect much from the world i was born into.. I was predicted to not survive the night.. they say i was too skinny for a new born.. and here i am sitting and writing a blog about it.. all my life i was disease ridden.. i was always the sickest kid in the class.. at some point i was even suspected to have cancer.. I guess i was untouchable to death all that time..
Ever so often i have moments in my life that render me anticipating a white light.. the earth will shake.. the skies will open up.. and a burning gold chariot will decent from the heaven to claim its lost soul.. a little breeze washes across my face every time this happens .. maybe whispering something.. and the moment passes.. the scariest part about death is that it has no schedule.. or at least its not that perfect a schedule.. i wonder how it works. the entire system of birth and death.. it might be as simple as some mystical Jackass just popping bubbles off a bubble wrap.. or may be a courtroom procedure in itself with a request and a jury.. either way if the number's up.. we are screwed for life..
It doesn't really matter.. How we die.. or how death is brought upon us.. all that matters is what we die for.. what our death would imply to the people who care about us.. why did we have to die? i believe every death thats delayed has a purpose.. A purpose that succeeds someone else's death.. A purpose that might eventually lead to someone else being declared an expired product..
Expecting or not it happens to us.. all of us.. but seldom all of us get the same term here on earth.. i was 13 when i saw a girl, roughly my age, being carried away to her grave.. I wonder what separated me from her.. the insignificant things,that we may seem,to Death himself.. He might as well fall asleep on his job.. miss spell a name on his list or pop one extra bubble jus for the heck of it and that could be me.. I could die for the wrong reason.. Hell!! i could die for no reason at all.. no purpose.. no destiny.. just a pop!
Blessed are those people who make themselves worth not being touched by the playful fingers of death for they mean too much for the people around them.. blessed by life.. the hand of god on their shoulder.. protected.. with the armor of God himself.. for one day.. them being alive would make all the life on earth be worth living..